The Gospel According To Ho

by Wendy Ho

The Gospel According To Ho cover art
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1.
02:15
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2.
02:48
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3.
03:47
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4.
02:59
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5.
02:36
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6.
03:34
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7.
02:51
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8.
02:17
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9.
06:16
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10.
04:26
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11.
02:38
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about

The Gospel According to Ho reached cult status amongst a predominantly gay fanbase, which has allowed Ho to perform shows from Los Angeles to Egypt. Even with zero distribution, word of mouth spread and her video for the single “Bitch, I Stole Yo Purse!” was voted the number one funniest video on Logo’s New Now Next for that year. The video was also parodied on FX’s Nip/Tuck, starring Jennifer Coolidge as Wendy Ho and Wendy was featured on Showtime’s I Can’t Believe I’m Still Single singing her hit song, “Fuck Me.” Look up Wendy Ho on YouTube and you’ll see drag performers across the United States and Canada performing “The Gospel of Ho,” “Cocaine,” “Little Town” and “The AIDS Gamble.”

credits

released 13 April 2007
Produced by: Craig Levy at The Little Pioneer Studio in Brooklyn, NY

tags

tags: hip hop/rap comedy fuck me hip-hop ho i stole your purse r&b rap Los Angeles

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all rights reserved

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Track Name: The Gospel Of Ho
My brothas and sistas
We have gathered here today
To listen to a sista who has sinned in every way
Up and down, back and forth and side to side 
So many times that she almost nearly died!

Well this here's a story
The Torment and The Glory
Of a ho…
The Gospel of Ho

She was a daughter of delusion, as a baby left alone
Suppressed by her fellow man, strung out, put down and stoned
Well she done some dirty deeds
But now oh look how she has grown
So let him who is without sin be the first to cast a stone…

Oh I said ah this here's a story
The Torment and the Glory
Of a ho…
The Gospel of Ho
Big and small I've done em all
It doesn't matter the size
I'm a workin girl for cryin out loud
No need to patronize
So if you're sittin in yo seat wondering
What more could be in store?
Well that's what you get when you come to a show that's about a fuckin whore! 

Blow jobs (Blow jobs!)
Butt sex (Butt sex!)
69! (69!) 
Natti bowtie (Natti Bowtie!) 
Abraham Lincoln (Abraham Lincoln!)
Starfish winkin (Starfish winkin!)
Two in the goo, one in the poo (Two in the goo, one in the poo!) 
Chutney lingus,chutney lingus, chutney… (Chutney, and chutney, and…)
Now hold on… stop the song right there. 
Has anybody seen my bag balm?

Well, well, well…
This here's a story
The Torment and the Glory of a ho
The Gospel of Ho!!!
Track Name: Hoz Theme
Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

One, and in comes the two to the three and four
Then I drop the beat I have in store!
One, and in comes the two to the three and four
Then I drop the beat I have in store!

Blonde hair flowin, murder she wrotes
Down on the farm I was haulin oats
Hitched outta town, made my momma cry
Fuck the French, gonna eat dem fries
I’ll bitch slap a bitch, another bitch, yo bitch and her friend
Then chillout with my betamax of “Three Baby and a Mens!”

I play Othello with the living, I harmonize with the dead (oooooohhhh!!!)
Do da goddamn waltz in 2010 with Astaire comma Fred
I bring the noise, I bring the static, a billion movin asses
I bring the Gore like Al yo, I make music for the masses!

I’m yo ho!
Yo qween ho!
(Ooh yeah!)
And dis my show!
(Yo Ho… yo!)
Yo qween ho!
And I betchoo didn’t know…

Celery, peanut butter, raisins: ants on a log
Twist me like a pretzel, I’m a downward facing dog
Sittin in my director’s chair, I call all da shots
“Now you feather Susan’s Loochey, and you stir Annie’s Potts!”

Kick on the 1! 2! 3! 4!
And a ratatat! … Oh honey, you want more?
I’ll whip you with Orion’s belt, I’m the brightest fucking star
I’m crying while I’m dunking, I’m Paula Abdul-Jabbar
I’m clearing house wit dem giant checks
I’m a witch with a brew: I just started to hex!

I’m yo ho!
Yo qween ho!
(Ooh yeah!)
And dis my show!
(Yo Ho… yo!)
Yo qween ho!
Um, in case you didn’t know…

baby. gurl. mama’s. runt.
my first word was cunt, cunt.
BABY. GURL. MAMA’S. RUNT.
MY FIRST WORD WAS CUNT, CUNT.
BABY! GURL! MAMA’S! RUNT!
MY FIRST WORD WAS CUNT, CUNT!

meow.

Turn on da tube and what did I see?
Pope rippin up my photo on live tv!
I don’t stop and I don’t quit
Oreo cookie with some milk from my tit
Like Milli love Vanilli, like Courtney Love some Cox
To all my Jews in my hood raise up yo bagels and yo lox!

This bitch is off her leash now, cats are fuckin in the yard
“Now order me a mystical pizza with a side of chicken paillard.”
No comprendo señor? Don’t get what this song’s about?
This is “Hoz Theme” mother fucker… YOU figure it out.
Track Name: 2 Nite Lady
There was a time when a one stand
Went always exactly as I had planned
You liked my ass and you gave it a smack
And a 40 oz later I was flat on my back
If you want my petunia you get down on your knees
Butcha ain’t gonna get it like a quarter with cheese
Baby this ain’t no drive through window
Yeah, I work at McDonald’s, but I think you should know…


I’m a 2 nite lady not a one night ho
2 nite ain’t the night but tomorrow fo sho
So when ya gets to callin me again
We can wrassle on my bear rug
Growlin in my den

There was a day when to get in my pants
There wouldn’t be no requiremantz
Now I notice today you wanna spread my cheeks
Lucky for you I didn’t say two weeks
If I fuck you tonight that means that I’m a hussy
Wake up tomorrow with a pussey pussy
Baby dis ain’t no underground railroad
So I’ll tell you again before you get wood, bro…

I’m a 2 nite lady not a one night ho
2 nite ain’t the night but tomorrow fo sho
So when ya gets to callin me again
I’m gonna give it to you before I count to 10…

ONE, TWO!

If you think yo hot for what I got
(You know that she’s hot!)
If you think this ho’s worf a waitin fo
(She’s worf waitin fo!)
If you think you’re the one you’re gonna make me cum
(You gotta make her cum, cum, cum!)
You gotta wait one night to get what’s right
You know I’ll be singin’!!!

I’m a 2 nite lady not a one night ho
2 nite ain’t the night but tomorrow fo sho
So when ya gets to callin me again
I’ll be bustin out the crisco
To slide yo dick on in

Slide yo dick on in
Come on and slide
Come on and slide
Come on and slide
Yo dick on in
Come on and slide
Come on and slide…
Track Name: Cocaine
Check it out! Yeah y’all c’mon! Here we go again!
Make you wiggle and jiggle like gelatin.
Check it out! Yeah y’all c’mon! Here we go again!
Make you wiggle and jiggle like gelatin.

I used to fuck with the white
And snort up the snow
Wudn't no gode in my rainbow
Wake up in tha monin reakin of piss
Couldn't remember what man I was wit
Sooner or later it would come back to me
And all I can say is that fuckin blow blew me
Golden showers, coked out thrilluhs
Piss in my mouf, you know it won't kill us
(Lemonade was a popular drink and it still is)
Uh huh uh huh uh huh!
Cocaine make my pussy pucker, motherfucker
Cocaine make my pussy pucker
You got a limp johnson I gave it a looky
Need hard candy not a soft batch cookie
You want me to suck that prick, son?
You betta kick that
Cocaine addiction

She don’t like she don’t like she don’t like…
Cocaine!
 
Check it out! Yeah y’all c’mon! Here we go again!
Make you wiggle and jiggle like gelatin.
Check it out! Yeah y’all c’mon! Here we go again!
Make you wiggle and jiggle like gelatin.

Cut to da club in line for da bafroom
I heard coke being sniffed like a vacuum
Jonesin hard like a friend without the R
Need my fix like a baby need tar
Wanted to get up in that terlet stall
Shouted “Police! Get yo back up da wall!”
Opened up da door and my gina twitch
Knew I was gonna be his ya-yo bitch
Sugar in his hand I said “Gimme dat fool!
Gonna sniff a line off ya Peter O’Toole!”
“You scare me gurl, but get on it Ho
Wanna show you how to turn blow yellow.”
He drew me in close, took a bump from da key
He whispered in my ear “Do you like pee?”
“I like tea, especially with honey!
Take me home boo you make a punani runny!”

She don’t like she don’t like she don’t like…
Cocaine!
 
Check it out! Yeah y’all c’mon! Here we go again!
Make you wiggle and jiggle like gelatin.
Check it out! Yeah y’all c’mon! Here we go again!
Make you wiggle and jiggle like gelatin.

 So we got to his place I was ready to fuck
Jackin that jock just tryin to get it up
“Okay baby, we aint gotta do…”
“Shut the fuck up I'm gonna pee on you!”
So I let the rain fall down on me
I was 13 and he R. Kelly
Urine sprayed out, out of his pecker
I started to feel like a broken record
“I ain't gonna do cocaine no mo I ain't gonna do it no mo…
I ain't gonna do cocaine no mo I ain't gonna do it no mo…”
 
“Shut the fuck up you muthafuckin ho!”
Knocked my ass out in a single blow
Got a steak on my eye from that fateful night
When I come to know nose candy just ain't right
It ain't right, it ain't right, it ain't right.
 
She don’t like she don’t like she don’t like…
Cocaine!
 
Check it out! Yeah y’all c’mon! Here we go again!
Make you wiggle and jiggle like gelatin.
Check it out! Yeah y’all c’mon! Here we go again!
Make you wiggle and jiggle like gelatin.

Cocaine muthafuckas
Urination is a drug intervention
That shit’ll fuck. you. up.
Write H.O. in yellow snow?
N.O., I don’t think so.
Unless you wanna get peed on
Or get yo nose bleed on
It might be time to quit that shit.
Well, unless it’s for free.
And you know you don’t really need to be turnin down no free drugs.
Free smack, free crack, free toke, free coke?
What? Oh yeah, well… don’t get pooped on either, cause you know, that shit can easily happen too.

“And I say yes, you look wonderful tonight.”
Track Name: Bitch, I Stole Yo Purse!
AHHHHHHHHH…
I stole yo purse!
AHHHHHHHHH…
I stole yo purse!

Prada, Gucci and Louis Vuitton
I shook the shit outcho purse and I left it on the lawn
Ain’t nothing but my Zorro sign
I shake that purse, and leave the shit behind
Beware of the way you flossin yo bag
I’m a real ghetto bitch, not a funny fag hag
Eye on yo purse it reminds me of a cunt
Empty it out like that time of the month
Eye on yo purse it reminds me of a cunt
Empty it out like that time of the month
 
AHHHHHHHHH…
I stole yo purse!
AHHHHHHHHH…
I stole yo purse!

I stole yo purse bitch and that’s yo curse bitch
Lordy Mama, I stole yo purse!
 
I got a hole in my head and there’s no one to fix it!
A little unrational.
I got a hole in my head and there’s no one to fix it!
A little unrational.

I take yo purse and I take yo man too
I take him at a party and I fuck him in the bathroom
Find yoself a garbage bag, a satchel or ziplock
While you wonderin where yo purse is I’ll be suckin yo man’z cock
I shook it, I took it, ain’t no apologies
You stand there cryin and I say, “BITCH, PLEASE!”
You was the one who left that shit all alone
At least I didn’t take yo muthafuckin cell phone, cell phone bitch!
Ring a ling a ling, ring a ling a ling…

AHHHHHHHHH…
I stole yo purse!
AHHHHHHHHH…
I stole yo purse.
Track Name: The AIDS Gamble
On a warm summer’s evening…
On a warm summer’s evening…
On a warm summer’s evening…

On a warm summer’s evening
In a taxi in the village
I met up with a drag queen
we were both to drunk to walk
Hailed a cab and took turns starin
At the gayness all around us
We were backed up on the west side
and she began to talk
she said, “Gurl, I made a livin
Out of actin like a female.
And knowin bout some STDs
By lookin in the eyes.
So if you don’t mind me sayin, gurl
I think you need a she-male.
For a snort out yo 8 ball
I’ll give you some advice…”

You got to know when to suck it
Know when to fuck it
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
You never floss yo teef
When you bout to suck a big dick
Cuz you wake up in the monin
And you gonna have AIDS.

On a warm summer’s evening…

On a warm summer’s evening

At another fuckin gay bar
I met up with my best fag
We were pouring out our souls
Got to talking bout them Chelsea boyz
And how short his latest cock was
Startin creepin towards the back room
Straight to the glory holes
I said, “Bitch, don’t even go there
To get yo self some action.
You lookin like you want some ass:
A brand new oven mitt
So if you don’t mind me sayin, Lance
You’ll get no satisfaction
Dat hole’s like a box o’ chocolates, you nevah know whatcha gonna git

You got to know when to suck it
Know when to fuck it
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
You never floss yo teef
When you bout to suck a big dick
Cuz you wake up in the monin
And you gonna have AIDS.

Then he drank down my last swallow.
Then he drank down my last swallow.
Then he drank down my last swallow.
Then he drank down my last swallow.

REMIX! REMIX! REMIX!
 
Look for the sores
Look for the warts
Does he wear tighty whities or boxer shorts?
Know when to fuck it, know when to pass
Look for the blisters inside of the ass
Did you meet at a club or maybe at a bar?
It really don’t matter where you are
Cuz AIDS, herpes and warts they just don’t rest
You just shouldn’t fuck unless you got a blood test
A blood test! A blood test!

You got to know when to suck it
Know when to fuck it
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
You never floss yo teef
When you bout to suck a big dick
Cuz you wake up in the monin
And you gonna have AIDS.
 
You got to know when to suck it
Know when to fuck it
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
You never floss yo teef
When you bout to suck a big dick
Cuz you wake up in the monin
And yer gonna have AIDS!
Track Name: Little Town
Little town
It's a quiet ghetto
Everyday like da one before
Little town, full of little people
Wakin up to say…
WASSUP! WASSUP! WASSUP! WASSUP!

There goes the pimp with his ho like always
The same ole cunt and tit to sell
Every monin just the same
Since the monin that we came
To this po mofo ghetto, “Wassup Darnell?”
”Wassup, how you doin?
Gurl you look pregnant!”
“I am! Six months! His Dad’s a bitch!
I need food stamps, dat’s too expensive!
Grape soda and some Funyun Rings for me!”

Now its no wonder that her name Bomqueesha
She gots da biggest butt in town
And you know she gots some braids
and some stenshuns that she mades
In this po mofo ghetto, “Wassup Shirelle?”

Ohhhhhh isn’t this amazing?
It’s my favorite part becuh you see
Here’s where he eats my pussy
But he won’t notice that deys crabs up in his teef

”Wussup, hey gurl! You still at Dee-Dee’s?”
“Hell yes! Doin hair! You need yoz did?
I got a raise, dat means mo scratch-offs! Now eight Quick Picks and a pack of Newports please!”

Little town
It's a quiet ghetto
Everyday like da one before
Little town, full of little people
Wakin up to say…
WASSUP! WASSUP! WASSUP!
Track Name: Yo Teef
How’s anybody supposed to get into his nightshirt with all this racket going on?

Go getcho grill fixed, baby uh-huh uh-huh
Go getcho grill fixed, baby uh-huh uh-huh
Go getcho grill fixed, baby uh-huh uh-huh
Go getcho grill fixed, grill fixed

Yo teef is givin me grief
When you eat me out you make me wanna shout
Goddamn oh hell you smell b-a-d
Whatchoo need? Some Ivory! 
I’m talkin boutcho body it’s makin me sick 
You gimme a lick and it feels like a prick
Yo toof is workin my roof
It feels like a bitch its makin me itch

Getcho grill fixed baby, uh-huh, uh-huh! 
Go getcho grill fixed, baby uh-huh uh-huh
Go getcho grill fixed, baby uh-huh uh-huh
Go getcho grill fixed, grill fixed

Cuz when people don’t shower, it make me wanna cower
Minute to minute, hour to hour
I seentchou in yo cab, you drivin it slow
You callin outcho window, “Get over here, ho!”
Don’t talk to me cuz I can’t take yo breaf!
It make me think of death cuz there aint no place
Fo nassy muthafuckas that is such a disgrace…okay?

Get yo grill fixed, bayyaybee
Go on and get yo grill fixed now
Go on and get yo grill fixed bayaybee
I don’t ker how, just do it now!

I’m in the mood for a tuna melt.
HIT ME!

See you look like a rat and we can’t handle that
All us hos call you Splintra4 behind yo back
And everytime I see ya you look like a sack
Of muthafuckin shit is what I’m sayin 
Dungeons and Dragons5 ya need to quit playin
Fo yo sake, my sake, yo kids sake too
Getcha grill fixed or I’ll cutchoo!

Getcho grill fixed baby, uh-huh, uh-huh! 
Go getcho grill fixed baby uh-huh, uh-huh!
Go getcho grill fixed, baby uh-huh uh-huh
Go getcho grill fixed, grill fixed

Make them shit’s into razor nubs and get em capped6, Steve!
Track Name: Fuck Me
You can fuck me in my bedroom.
You can fuck me in my bafroom.

You can fuck me in my kitchen.
You can fuck me from behind.

You can fuck me in my mini-van.
Toss my salad like a gay man.

I don’t care how you fuck me,
Just fuck me when you can.



You can fuck me on my tippy toes.
Jump my bones until the rooster crows.

You can fuck me with a dildo,
Anything to fill my hole.

You can jump on and ride my ass.
Fuck me hard baby fuck me fast.

I don’t care how you fuck me,
Just fuck me right damn now.



There are issues and baggage between us
Always something to get over.
If I had my way surely you would
Shut the fuck up and fuck me.
I need you to fuck me.

Dat’s right. Cuz you know sometimes…
A lady needs to be made love to…that’s the troof…
But otha times she needs to get fucked!
And it’s up to you men to figure out when to do which one…
SO FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT! PLEASE!

There are issues and baggage between us.
Always some kinda bullshit to get over.
If I had my way surely you would
Shut the fuck up and fuck me.
I need you to fuck me.
You can fuck me deep inside.
Up the butt I ain’t got no pride.
You can nose dive into my poon,
Butcha betta do it soon.
You can fuck me in Pakistan.
Blow my coochie up like tha Taliban.
I don’t care how you fuck me…

Just fuck me when you can.
I don’t care, I don’t care!
I need you to fuck me.
I need you right here, right now, inside of me yeah, yeah.
Fuck me? Fuck you!
Fuck me.
I don’t care how you fuck me just…just…fuck me when you can.