Number 2

by Wendy Ho

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about

Number 2 is Wendy Ho’s first mixtape and features all new song parodies, freestyles and mashups and remixes of songs from her debut album The Gospel According to Ho. From the anti-anal disco anthem “Poop Noodle” to the southern soul parable “Meemaw’s Pussy” to a dance remix of her infamous torch song “Fuck Me,” Ho has birthed a classic hip-hop/r&b mixtape.

credits

released September 13, 2010

Produced by: Craig Levy at Little Pioneer Studio in Brooklyn, NY

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license

Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

about

Wendy Ho Los Angeles, California

Ho is an artist.  Ho is a state of mind.  Ho redefines women in music with true liberation.  She is funny and sexy.  A self- possessed, self-assured mashup of street and trash who makes you laugh while she makes you think.  The responses she evokes from audiences are as diverse as her roots, but at the core there is no question about who she is.  Wendy is all woman.  All Ho. ... more

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Track Name: Poop Noodle
Please don’t fuck me in the ass tonight
That Popeye’s Fried Chicken ain’t sittin right
And please don’t try to stick it in all quick
Or you’ll end up with some shit on yo dick
Don’t try to sway me by puttin on that Aretha
Or you’ll end up with poop in yo urethra
I ain’t gonna do it because it hurts
I ain’t gonna do it, got the Hershey squirts!
Dingleberries all in yo balls
You want poop noodle?
I’m gonna give it to you!
Wo-oh wahow ohwoahwoahwaho!

You want some butt sex, you want up in it
But not tonight in my anus!
You want my pooper, you wanna pound it
But it feels like I’m gonna shit on yo dick!

Please don’t drive down my Hershey Highway
I just drank some Maalox now you actin gay
And please stop fingering my brown eyed butthole
Unless you wanna end up with a stanky tootsie roll
Our love used to be never ending, just like a story
I’m sorry but this ain’t no hole of glory!
I got a perfect pussy what more do you need?
You nasty muthafucka want my butthole to bleed!
Anal fissures and some corn on yo nuts
You want poop noodle?
Which is poop comin out yo peehole after you fuck a butt that has shit in it! Ah!

You want some butt sex, you want up in it
But not tonight in my anus!
You want my pooper, you wanna pound it
But it feels like I’m gonna shit on yo dick!

P-O-O-P N-O-O-D-L-E
What’s that spell, y’all?
P-O-O-P N-O-O-D-L-E
It’s more like what’s that smell, y’all?

You want some butt sex, you want up in it
But not tonight in my anus!
You want my pooper, you wanna pound it
But it feels like I’m gonna shit on yo dick, son.
Track Name: Bitch, I Stole Yo AHHHH! (Bitch, I Stole Yo Purse! vs. Slayer)
Breaking news report... Purse thief terrorizing the city... Film at 11...

AHHHHHHHHH!
I stole yo purse!
AHHHHHHHHH!
I stole yo purse!

Prada, Gucci and Louis Vuitton
I shook the shit outcho purse and I left it on the lawn
Ain’t nothing but my Zorro sign
I shake that purse, and leave the shit behind
Beware of the way you flossin yo bag
I’m a real ghetto bitch, not a funny fag hag
Eye on yo purse it reminds me of a cunt
Empty it out like that time of the month
Eye on yo purse it reminds me of a cunt
Empty it out like that time of the month

AHHHHHHHHH!
I stole yo purse!
AHHHHHHHHH!
I stole yo purse!

I stole yo purse bitch and that’s yo curse bitch
Lordy Mama, I stole yo purse!

I got a hole in my head and there’s no one to fix it!
A little unrational.
I got a hole in my head and there’s no one to fix it!
A little unrational.

I take yo purse and I take yo man too
I take him at a party and I fuck him in the bathroom
Find yoself a garbage bag, a satchel or ziplock
While you wonderin where yo purse is I’ll be suckin yo manz cock
I shook it, I took it, ain’t no apologies
You stand there cryin and I say, “BITCH, PLEASE!”
You were the one who left that shit all alone
At least I didn’t take yo muthafuckin cell phone, cell phone bitch!
Ring a ling a ling, ring a ling a ling…

AHHHHHHHHH!
I stole yo purse!
AHHHHHHHHH!
I stole yo purse.
Track Name: Preemie Freestyle
See I’m not some random chick screamin at you thru speakers
I’m a top scientist with goggles and smokin beakers
Nope, I ain’t just some twisted bitch talkin ish
I’m a vegan who eats beef, chicken, pork and fish
Be traumatizin mommies when they come to see me
I’ll make a pregnant bitch squirt out a preemie (pppt!)
Just kiddin, I’m the devil sportin cloven hooves y’all
Back there on the decks is my DJ Qualls
Lil camper I’ll help you buck up
But I’m a deaf MC, so SPEAK THE FUCK UP!
Track Name: Meemaw’s Pussy
Mhmm. Mhmm. Mhmm.

Meemaw’s pussy
Clapped in church on Sunday morning
Meemaw’s pussy
Used to ache sometimes and swell
Oh Meemaw’s pussy
Used to cum without a warning

I’d say, “Meemaw, why yo pants all wet?”
She say, “Baby dontcha fret
Gramma coochie needs to sweat!”
Meemaw’s pussy

Hey.

Meemaw’s pussy
Was fo sale at the swap meet
Meemaw’s pussy
Healed the crippled and the lame
Oh Meemaw’s pussy
Used to smell like cheesy feet, child

She say, “Meemaw work is nevah done
Poonie need to have some fun
Let that gina get some sun!”
Meemaw’s pussy


Meemaw’s pussy
Floppy gloppy musky dusky
Meemaw’s pussy
Gamey Jamie oozey Suze
Oh Meemaw’s pussy
Named her poonie Rosemary Clooney

She’d say, “Baby, dontcha cry no mo
Soon enough yo gina grow
Sure to be the best in show!”
Meemaw the reason I’m a Ho
When I get to Jesus I’ll look for
Meemaw’s pussy

Mhmm, mhmm.
Track Name: Around the Way Gurl Freestyle
I’m squirtin in an alley, drenchin a wino
Now I’m in the stirrups frenchin my gyno
Grab them clippers and please come trim me
I’ll take a landing strip or the Wilford Brimley

I’d love a handful of salty peanuts
But I’m partial to a handful of salty penis
I’m always delighted by the popcorn trick
Yeah I might as well face it I’m addicted to dick!

Every election I vote for Dukakis
And every blind date I serve up a cock kiss
I’ll take a turkey slap, better yet a dutch oven
Fuck a dude with palsy, I call it “crutch lovin”

Ain’t no clown but juggle four balls at once
Get my face painted when I hear two grunts (unghhh!)
Someone’s on the couch skiing with twin brothers
Surprise muthafuckas... I’m Tina Yothers!

What will we do baby without us?
What will we do baby without us?
Shalalala!
Track Name: Tina
Yo hair is gettin thin
And yo face is lookin ruff
You tell me you just need sleep
Cuz you ain’t gettin enuff

But I found that pipe in yo room
And I knew what this was all about
You been smoking methamphetamine
Yo teef done all fell out

It’s like you always tweekin
Every day and on the weekend
Dontchoo even try to pretend
Thatchoo ain’t been crackin out

I can smell them toxic fumes
Crank, speed, ice and glass
Baby you been smoking tina
Don’t be lyin to my ass

You fucked yo whole life up
You broke and you ain’t got no job
Baby you been smoking tina
I’m prayin you gonna stop
You been smoking tina, tina, tina
You been smoking tina, tina, tina

OooOOooooh!

I see you lost some weight
You lookin really slim
But not in a good way
Not like you been hittin the gym

You spent my rent money
Your balls, meet my knee
Ain’t nothing recreational
It look like crystalized pee

You need detox
Whatchoo hidin in that shoebox?
Prahly suckin on strange cocks
So you can go get high

I can smell them toxic fumes
Crank, speed, ice and glass
Baby you been smoking tina
Don’t be lyin to my ass

You fucked yo whole life up
You broke and you ain’t got no job
Baby you been smoking tina
I’m prayin you gonna stop
You been smoking tina, tina, tina
You been smoking tina, tina, tina

OooOOooooh!
Track Name: Cokebusters! (Cocaine vs Ghostbusters)
Bust it. Bust it.

Who you gon call???
Cokebusters!
Who you gon call???
Cokebusters!

I used to fuck with the white
And snort up the snow
Wudn't no gode in my rainbow
Woke up in tha monin reakin of piss
Couldn't remember what man I was wit
Sooner or later it would come back to me
And all I can say is that fuckin blow blew me
Golden showers, coked out thrilluhs
Piss in my mouf, you know it won't kill us
(Lemonade was a popular drink and it still is)
Uh huh uh huh uh huh!
Cocaine make my pussy pucker, motherfucker
Cocaine make my pussy pucker
You got a limp johnson I gave it a looky
I need hard candy not a soft batch cookie
You want me to suck that prick, son?
You betta kick that
Cocaine addiction

Who you gon call???
Cokebusters!
Who you gon call???
Cokebusters!

Cut to da club in line for da bafroom
Heard dat coke being sniffed like a vacuum
Jonesin hard like a friend without the R
Need my fix like a baby need tar
Wanna get up in that terlet stall
Shouted “Police! Get yo back up da wall!”
Opened up da door and my gina twitch
Knew I was gonna be his ya-yo bitch
Sugar in his hand I said “Gimme dat fool!
Gonna sniff a line off ya Peter O’Toole!”
“You scare me gurl, but get on it Ho
Wanna show you how to turn blow yellow.”
He drew me in close, took a bump from da key
Whispered in my ear “Do you like pee?”
“I like tea, especially with honey!
Take me home boo you make a punani runny!”

Who you gon call???
Cokebusters!
Who you gon call???
Cokebusters!

So we got to his place I was ready to fuck
Jackin that jock just tryin to get it up
“Okay baby, we aint gotta do…”
“Shut the fuck up I'm gonna pee on you!”
So I let the rain fall down on me
I was 13 and he R. Kelly
Urine sprayed out, out of his pecker
I started to feel like a broken record
“I ain't gonna do cocain no mo I ain't gonna do it no mo…
I ain't gonna do cocain no mo I ain't gonna do it no mo…”

“Shut the fuck up you muthafuckin ho!”
Knocked my ass out in a single blow
Got a steak on my eye from that fateful night
When I come to know nose candy just ain't right

It ain't right, it ain't right
Cocaine mutchafuckas! Cocaine.

Urination is a drug intervention
That shit’ll fuck. you. up.
Write H.O. in yellow snow?
N.O., I don’t think so.
Unless you wanna get peed on
Or get yo nose bleed on
It might be time to quit that shit.
Well, unless it’s for free.
And you know you don’t really need to be turnin down no free drugs.
Free smack, free crack, free toke, free coke?
What? Oh yeah, well… don’t get pooped on either, cause you know, that shit can easily happen too.
Track Name: Jello Pudding Toast
Yo spread em! But no I ain’t da cops
Fuck a dildo, give me Jello Pudding Pops!
Damn, looks like I made a mess of the bed
No wonder I be soppin it up with some bread
The stick was hiding, my patch so briar
Put that bread back on and into my fryer
Chocolate in my vag? Gonna have to boast
That’s right, I invented Jello Pudding Toast!

Head on down to the patent office
Gonna explain what poured outta my orifice
I’m the new voice of this nation
Backed up by a Power Point presentation

Make my first milli not by singin
Yeah yo, I be Hollywood swingin
Move over sweaters, move along Bill Cosby
The genius has landed, don’t know what my flaws be

JELLO PUDDING TOAST J-E-L-L-O
JELLO PUDDING TOAST P-U-D-D-I-N-G
JELLO PUDDING TOAST T-O-A-S-T
Invented by me.
Track Name: Fresh Bowels
Your front lawn is brown but not from neglect
You ain’t got no dogs I ain’t got no respect
While you eatin dinner that’s all candle lit
I make my own fertilizer, a Ho can handle it
I get a little tipsy and make the earf my toilet
Pull my dress up, I grimace then soil it

You’re gonna need a maid with fresh towels
Cuz I’m a bitch with fresh bowels.

Whu-u-ah-oh.

No baby in sight but somethin really reeks
I just ate six tacos full of beaks
It’s Wendy Ho’s version of the master cleanse
With enemies like you who needs friends?
Here’s some advice while you doze
Keep one eye open and one hole closed

You’re gonna need a maid with fresh towels
Cuz i’m a bitch with fresh bowels.

Whu-u-ah-oh.
Track Name: That’s Why We Ain’t Friends
Dis goes out to all dem gurlfriends that ever had to break up with dey best good gurlfriend...

Oh I never thought it’d be this way
And before we close this chapter
There’s somethin I wanna say
Gurl, you muthafuckin crazayyy

I tried each and every single way
To save this relationship butchoo dint have
Nothing to say

To my face, unless you was talking behind my back with them otha bisches and I wantchoo to know that we talked aboutchoo ass too, gurl!

Keep trippin, keep flippin
Dis is where this so called friendship ends, mmmhmm
That’s why we ain’t friends

Oh you trynna point the finger
This is where this dysfunction has to end
You are working my last damn nerve bitch!
That’s why we ain’t friends

and i remember when you gots all drunk at that party and yo boyfriend at the time lil pistol decided to getchoo all undressed and put a CARROT up yo ass and everybody walked around school callin you salad shooter gurl i never ever called you dat instead i had yo muthafuckin back and took picture of a lil inky tinky pinky dick and posted it all over da hood and wrote “lil pistol got a lil pistol” i had yo back gurl and what about that time thatchoo got caught drinkin underage in da club da po po axed you who boughtchoo dat drink and you pointed to my ass gurl i hadda go to court for that shit i loaned you monay you never paid my ass back you ran my mama's car into a dumpster you fucked kim’s man on yo period i dint tell her gurl and that’s why we ain’t friends!

Oh you jealous and competins
Even though you be drivin around in yo husband’s Benz
And that's why we ain’t friends, oh-wa-ho-oh
Dis is toxic, let’s be grown up
You been two faced the entire time I knowed yo ass!
That's why we ain’t friends, mhmm
That's why we ain’t friends
That’s why we ain’t friends, gurl.
Track Name: Hall & Oates Freestyle
In the john, constipation’s makin me pouty
All the pushin is makin my anus an outie
I’m a multi-tasker, rhymin on the shitter
Then practice my lines for the sequel to “Glitter”

Too long in the tub and I’m California seedless
Dealer’s outta town, my bong is weedless
So I “Just Say No” to them brain cell leeches
Instead I memorize the soundtrack to “Beaches”

Weekly meeting with the Ho Pep Squad
Then catch a matinee over at the quad
“DON’T GO IN THE HOUSE!” imma yell at the screen
Stop off at the rec to breast feed a hungry teen

Over to Petco, be feedin rabbits carrots
“Skwawk! Ring-a-ling-a-ling!” Be teachin parrots
Now I’m exhausted, yo I need to recharge
Take a seven day cruise on a garbage barge
Track Name: Oprah Winfrey
Well I heard you gonna leave TV
I understand gurl believe you me
But before you go I gots to say somethin to ya
What I know fo sho, gonna read some O
But what I’m gon do when the clock strikes 4
And there ain’t no Oprah Winfrey on my TV??
Oprah Winfrey, Oprah Winfrey
Oprah Winfrey
Ohhhhhhh... prah.

I used to come home from school dint have no friends
Sit down and watch some Oprah, I was only 10
You was fat and dis was back when you was black
And I was fat too, and the kids were mean
You got skinny and wore them size 10 Calvin Klein Jeans
And I was mad atchoo gurl but you wuz still my queen!
Oprah Winfrey, Oprah Winfrey
Oprah Winfrey
Ohhhhhhh... prah.

You taught me how to live my best life
Dint have to be a mama or some stoopit man’s wife
I’m a Ho and I’m a qween, workin out with Bob Greene
And all my life I had to fight
Harpo beats me and that ain’t right
Had an a-ha moment, and YOU turned on the light!
Oprah Winfrey, Oprah Winfrey
Oprah Winfrey
Ohhhhhhh... prah.

I read “A New Earf” and Marianne Williamson too
Martha Beck and Maya Angelou
Traded Doctor Phil for Doctor Oz
And he taught me all about my poo
And you get a car. And you get a car.
AND YOU GET A CAR!! AND YOU GET A CAR!!!!
AND EVERYBODY GETS THEYSELVES A CAR!!!!!!!

Oprah Winfrey, Oprah Winfrey
Oprah Winfrey
Ohhhhhhh...
Oprah Winfrey
Oprah Winfrey
Oprah Winfrey
Ohhhhhhh... prah!
Track Name: Black Belt Ho (Hoz Theme vs. The Theme From Black Belt Jones)
Blonde hair flowin, murder she wrote
Down on the farm I was haulin oats
Hitched outta town, made my momma cry
Fuck the French, gonna eat dem fries
I’ll bitch slap a bitch, another bitch, yo bitch and her friend
Then chillout with my betamax of “Three Baby and a Mens!”

I play Othello with the living, I harmonize with the dead
Do da goddamn waltz in 2010 with Astaire, Fred
I bring the noise, I bring the static, a billion movin asses
I bring the Gore like Al yo, I make music for the masses!

I’m yo Ho!
Yo qween Ho!
And dis my show!
Yo qween Ho!
And I betchoo didn’t know…

Celery, peanut butter, raisins: ants on a log
Twist me like a pretzel, I’m a downward facing dog
Sittin in my director’s chair, I call all da shots
“Now you feather Susan’s Loochey, and you stir Annie’s Potts!”

Kick on the 1! 2! 3! 4!
And a ratatat! … Oh honey, you want more?
I’ll whip you with Orion’s belt, I’m the brightest fucking star
I’m crying while I’m dunking, I’m Paula Abdul-Jabbar
I’m clearing house wit dem giant checks
I’m a witch with a brew: I just started to hex!

I’m yo Ho!
Yo qween Ho!
And dis my show!
Yo qween Ho!
Um, in case you didn’t know…

baby. gurl. mama’s. runt.
my first word was cunt.
BABY. GURL. MAMA’S. RUNT.
MY FIRST WORD WAS CUNT.
BABY! GURL! MAMA’S! RUNT!
MY FIRST WORD WAS CUNT, CUNT!

grrrrr.

Turn on da tube and what did I see?
Pope rippin up my photo on live tv!
I don’t stop and I don’t quit
Oreo cookie with some milk from my tit
Like Milli love Vanilli, like Courtney Love some Cox
To all my Jews in my hood raise up yo bagels and yo lox!

This bitch is off her leash now, cats are fuckin in the yard
“Now order me a mystical pizza with a side of chicken paillard.”
No comprendo señor? Don’t get what this song’s about?
This is “Hoz Theme” muthafucka… YOU figure it out!
Track Name: Fuck Me (Fuck Me Harder Remix)
This song goes out to all the gentlemen in the audience tonight. And I know there’s alot of you out there... because I’m in the gayest city in America.

You can fuck me in my bedroom.
You can fuck me in my bafroom.
You can fuck me in my kitchen.
You can fuck me from behind.
You can fuck me in my mini-van.
Toss my salad like a gay man.
I don’t care how you fuck me
Just fuck me when you can.

You can fuck me on my tippy toes.
Jump my bones until the rooster crows.
You can fuck me with a dildo
Anything to fill my hole.
You can jump on and ride my ass.
Fuck me hard baby fuck me fast.
I don’t care how you fuck me
Just fuck me right damn now.

There are issues and baggage between us
Always something to get over.
If I had my way surely you would
Shut the fuck up and fuck me.
I need you to fuck me.

Dat’s right. Cuz you know sometimes…
A lady needs to be made love to…that’s the troof…
But otha times she needs to get FUCKED!
And it’s up to you men to figure out when to do which one…
SO FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT! PLEASE!

There are issues and baggage between us.
Always some kinda bullshit to get over.
If I had my way surely you would
Shut the fuck up and fuck me.
I need you to fuck me.
You can fuck me deep inside.
Up the butt I ain’t got no pride.
You can nose dive into my poon
Butcha betta do it soon.
You can fuck me in Pakistan.
Blow my coochie up like tha Taliban.

I don’t care how you fuck me…
Just fuck me when you can.
I don’t care, I don’t care!
I need you to fuck me.
I. need. you. right. here. right. now. inside. of. me. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah.
Fuck me? Fuck you!
Fuck me!
I don’t care how you fuck me just…just…fuck me when you........ can.