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The Gospel According To Ho

by Wendy Ho

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1.
My brothas and sistas We have gathered here today To listen to a sista who has sinned in every way Up and down, back and forth and side to side  So many times that she almost nearly died! Well this here's a story The Torment and The Glory Of a ho… The Gospel of Ho 
She was a daughter of delusion, as a baby left alone Suppressed by her fellow man, strung out, put down and stoned Well she done some dirty deeds But now oh look how she has grown So let him who is without sin be the first to cast a stone… Oh I said ah this here's a story The Torment and the Glory Of a ho… The Gospel of Ho Big and small I've done em all It doesn't matter the size I'm a workin girl for cryin out loud No need to patronize So if you're sittin in yo seat wondering What more could be in store? Well that's what you get when you come to a show that's about a fuckin whore!  Blow jobs (Blow jobs!) Butt sex (Butt sex!)
69! (69!) 
Natti bowtie (Natti Bowtie!) 
Abraham Lincoln (Abraham Lincoln!)
Starfish winkin (Starfish winkin!)
Two in the goo, one in the poo (Two in the goo, one in the poo!) 
Chutney lingus,chutney lingus, chutney… (Chutney, and chutney, and…) Now hold on… stop the song right there. 
Has anybody seen my bag balm? Well, well, well…
This here's a story The Torment and the Glory of a ho The Gospel of Ho!!!
2.
Hoz Theme 02:48
Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina. AHAHAHAHAHAHA! One, and in comes the two to the three and four Then I drop the beat I have in store! One, and in comes the two to the three and four Then I drop the beat I have in store! Blonde hair flowin, murder she wrotes Down on the farm I was haulin oats Hitched outta town, made my momma cry Fuck the French, gonna eat dem fries I’ll bitch slap a bitch, another bitch, yo bitch and her friend Then chillout with my betamax of “Three Baby and a Mens!” I play Othello with the living, I harmonize with the dead (oooooohhhh!!!) Do da goddamn waltz in 2010 with Astaire comma Fred I bring the noise, I bring the static, a billion movin asses I bring the Gore like Al yo, I make music for the masses! I’m yo ho! Yo qween ho! (Ooh yeah!) And dis my show! (Yo Ho… yo!) Yo qween ho! And I betchoo didn’t know… Celery, peanut butter, raisins: ants on a log Twist me like a pretzel, I’m a downward facing dog Sittin in my director’s chair, I call all da shots “Now you feather Susan’s Loochey, and you stir Annie’s Potts!” Kick on the 1! 2! 3! 4! And a ratatat! … Oh honey, you want more? I’ll whip you with Orion’s belt, I’m the brightest fucking star I’m crying while I’m dunking, I’m Paula Abdul-Jabbar I’m clearing house wit dem giant checks I’m a witch with a brew: I just started to hex! I’m yo ho! Yo qween ho! (Ooh yeah!) And dis my show! (Yo Ho… yo!) Yo qween ho! Um, in case you didn’t know… baby. gurl. mama’s. runt. my first word was cunt, cunt. BABY. GURL. MAMA’S. RUNT. MY FIRST WORD WAS CUNT, CUNT. BABY! GURL! MAMA’S! RUNT! MY FIRST WORD WAS CUNT, CUNT! meow. Turn on da tube and what did I see? Pope rippin up my photo on live tv! I don’t stop and I don’t quit Oreo cookie with some milk from my tit Like Milli love Vanilli, like Courtney Love some Cox To all my Jews in my hood raise up yo bagels and yo lox! This bitch is off her leash now, cats are fuckin in the yard “Now order me a mystical pizza with a side of chicken paillard.” No comprendo señor? Don’t get what this song’s about? This is “Hoz Theme” mother fucker… YOU figure it out.
3.
2 Nite Lady 03:47
There was a time when a one stand Went always exactly as I had planned You liked my ass and you gave it a smack And a 40 oz later I was flat on my back If you want my petunia you get down on your knees Butcha ain’t gonna get it like a quarter with cheese Baby this ain’t no drive through window Yeah, I work at McDonald’s, but I think you should know… I’m a 2 nite lady not a one night ho 2 nite ain’t the night but tomorrow fo sho So when ya gets to callin me again We can wrassle on my bear rug Growlin in my den There was a day when to get in my pants There wouldn’t be no requiremantz Now I notice today you wanna spread my cheeks Lucky for you I didn’t say two weeks If I fuck you tonight that means that I’m a hussy Wake up tomorrow with a pussey pussy Baby dis ain’t no underground railroad So I’ll tell you again before you get wood, bro… I’m a 2 nite lady not a one night ho 2 nite ain’t the night but tomorrow fo sho So when ya gets to callin me again I’m gonna give it to you before I count to 10… ONE, TWO! If you think yo hot for what I got (You know that she’s hot!) If you think this ho’s worf a waitin fo (She’s worf waitin fo!) If you think you’re the one you’re gonna make me cum (You gotta make her cum, cum, cum!) You gotta wait one night to get what’s right You know I’ll be singin’!!! I’m a 2 nite lady not a one night ho 2 nite ain’t the night but tomorrow fo sho So when ya gets to callin me again I’ll be bustin out the crisco To slide yo dick on in Slide yo dick on in Come on and slide Come on and slide Come on and slide Yo dick on in Come on and slide Come on and slide…
4.
Cocaine 02:59
Check it out! Yeah y’all c’mon! Here we go again! Make you wiggle and jiggle like gelatin. Check it out! Yeah y’all c’mon! Here we go again! Make you wiggle and jiggle like gelatin. I used to fuck with the white And snort up the snow Wudn't no gode in my rainbow Wake up in tha monin reakin of piss Couldn't remember what man I was wit Sooner or later it would come back to me And all I can say is that fuckin blow blew me Golden showers, coked out thrilluhs Piss in my mouf, you know it won't kill us (Lemonade was a popular drink and it still is) Uh huh uh huh uh huh! Cocaine make my pussy pucker, motherfucker Cocaine make my pussy pucker You got a limp johnson I gave it a looky Need hard candy not a soft batch cookie You want me to suck that prick, son? You betta kick that Cocaine addiction She don’t like she don’t like she don’t like… Cocaine!   Check it out! Yeah y’all c’mon! Here we go again! Make you wiggle and jiggle like gelatin. Check it out! Yeah y’all c’mon! Here we go again! Make you wiggle and jiggle like gelatin. Cut to da club in line for da bafroom I heard coke being sniffed like a vacuum Jonesin hard like a friend without the R Need my fix like a baby need tar Wanted to get up in that terlet stall Shouted “Police! Get yo back up da wall!” Opened up da door and my gina twitch Knew I was gonna be his ya-yo bitch Sugar in his hand I said “Gimme dat fool! Gonna sniff a line off ya Peter O’Toole!” “You scare me gurl, but get on it Ho Wanna show you how to turn blow yellow.” He drew me in close, took a bump from da key He whispered in my ear “Do you like pee?” “I like tea, especially with honey! Take me home boo you make a punani runny!” She don’t like she don’t like she don’t like… Cocaine!   Check it out! Yeah y’all c’mon! Here we go again! Make you wiggle and jiggle like gelatin. Check it out! Yeah y’all c’mon! Here we go again! Make you wiggle and jiggle like gelatin.  So we got to his place I was ready to fuck Jackin that jock just tryin to get it up “Okay baby, we aint gotta do…” “Shut the fuck up I'm gonna pee on you!” So I let the rain fall down on me I was 13 and he R. Kelly Urine sprayed out, out of his pecker I started to feel like a broken record “I ain't gonna do cocaine no mo I ain't gonna do it no mo… I ain't gonna do cocaine no mo I ain't gonna do it no mo…”   “Shut the fuck up you muthafuckin ho!” Knocked my ass out in a single blow Got a steak on my eye from that fateful night When I come to know nose candy just ain't right It ain't right, it ain't right, it ain't right.   She don’t like she don’t like she don’t like… Cocaine!   Check it out! Yeah y’all c’mon! Here we go again! Make you wiggle and jiggle like gelatin. Check it out! Yeah y’all c’mon! Here we go again! Make you wiggle and jiggle like gelatin. Cocaine muthafuckas Urination is a drug intervention That shit’ll fuck. you. up. Write H.O. in yellow snow? N.O., I don’t think so. Unless you wanna get peed on Or get yo nose bleed on It might be time to quit that shit. Well, unless it’s for free. And you know you don’t really need to be turnin down no free drugs. Free smack, free crack, free toke, free coke? What? Oh yeah, well… don’t get pooped on either, cause you know, that shit can easily happen too. “And I say yes, you look wonderful tonight.”
5.
AHHHHHHHHH… I stole yo purse! AHHHHHHHHH… I stole yo purse! Prada, Gucci and Louis Vuitton I shook the shit outcho purse and I left it on the lawn Ain’t nothing but my Zorro sign I shake that purse, and leave the shit behind Beware of the way you flossin yo bag I’m a real ghetto bitch, not a funny fag hag Eye on yo purse it reminds me of a cunt Empty it out like that time of the month Eye on yo purse it reminds me of a cunt Empty it out like that time of the month   AHHHHHHHHH… I stole yo purse! AHHHHHHHHH… I stole yo purse! I stole yo purse bitch and that’s yo curse bitch Lordy Mama, I stole yo purse!   I got a hole in my head and there’s no one to fix it! A little unrational. I got a hole in my head and there’s no one to fix it! A little unrational. I take yo purse and I take yo man too I take him at a party and I fuck him in the bathroom Find yoself a garbage bag, a satchel or ziplock While you wonderin where yo purse is I’ll be suckin yo man’z cock I shook it, I took it, ain’t no apologies You stand there cryin and I say, “BITCH, PLEASE!” You was the one who left that shit all alone At least I didn’t take yo muthafuckin cell phone, cell phone bitch! Ring a ling a ling, ring a ling a ling… AHHHHHHHHH… I stole yo purse! AHHHHHHHHH… I stole yo purse.
6.
On a warm summer’s evening… On a warm summer’s evening… On a warm summer’s evening… On a warm summer’s evening In a taxi in the village I met up with a drag queen we were both to drunk to walk Hailed a cab and took turns starin At the gayness all around us We were backed up on the west side and she began to talk she said, “Gurl, I made a livin Out of actin like a female. And knowin bout some STDs By lookin in the eyes. So if you don’t mind me sayin, gurl I think you need a she-male. For a snort out yo 8 ball I’ll give you some advice…” You got to know when to suck it Know when to fuck it Know when to walk away Know when to run You never floss yo teef When you bout to suck a big dick Cuz you wake up in the monin And you gonna have AIDS. On a warm summer’s evening… On a warm summer’s evening At another fuckin gay bar I met up with my best fag We were pouring out our souls Got to talking bout them Chelsea boyz And how short his latest cock was Startin creepin towards the back room Straight to the glory holes I said, “Bitch, don’t even go there To get yo self some action. You lookin like you want some ass: A brand new oven mitt So if you don’t mind me sayin, Lance You’ll get no satisfaction Dat hole’s like a box o’ chocolates, you nevah know whatcha gonna git You got to know when to suck it Know when to fuck it Know when to walk away Know when to run You never floss yo teef When you bout to suck a big dick Cuz you wake up in the monin And you gonna have AIDS. Then he drank down my last swallow. Then he drank down my last swallow. Then he drank down my last swallow. Then he drank down my last swallow. REMIX! REMIX! REMIX!   Look for the sores Look for the warts Does he wear tighty whities or boxer shorts? Know when to fuck it, know when to pass Look for the blisters inside of the ass Did you meet at a club or maybe at a bar? It really don’t matter where you are Cuz AIDS, herpes and warts they just don’t rest You just shouldn’t fuck unless you got a blood test A blood test! A blood test! You got to know when to suck it Know when to fuck it Know when to walk away Know when to run You never floss yo teef When you bout to suck a big dick Cuz you wake up in the monin And you gonna have AIDS.   You got to know when to suck it Know when to fuck it Know when to walk away Know when to run You never floss yo teef When you bout to suck a big dick Cuz you wake up in the monin And yer gonna have AIDS!
7.
Little Town 02:51
Little town It's a quiet ghetto Everyday like da one before
Little town, full of little people Wakin up to say… WASSUP! WASSUP! WASSUP! WASSUP!

There goes the pimp with his ho like always The same ole cunt and tit to sell Every monin just the same Since the monin that we came To this po mofo ghetto, “Wassup Darnell?” ”Wassup, how you doin? Gurl you look pregnant!” “I am! Six months! His Dad’s a bitch! I need food stamps, dat’s too expensive!
Grape soda and some Funyun Rings for me!”

Now its no wonder that her name Bomqueesha She gots da biggest butt in town
And you know she gots some braids and some stenshuns that she mades In this po mofo ghetto, “Wassup Shirelle?”

Ohhhhhh isn’t this amazing?
It’s my favorite part becuh you see
Here’s where he eats my pussy
But he won’t notice that deys crabs up in his teef
 ”Wussup, hey gurl! You still at Dee-Dee’s?” “Hell yes! Doin hair! You need yoz did?
I got a raise, dat means mo scratch-offs! Now eight Quick Picks and a pack of Newports please!”

Little town It's a quiet ghetto Everyday like da one before
Little town, full of little people Wakin up to say… WASSUP! WASSUP! WASSUP!
8.
Yo Teef 02:17
How’s anybody supposed to get into his nightshirt with all this racket going on? 
Go getcho grill fixed, baby uh-huh uh-huh
Go getcho grill fixed, baby uh-huh uh-huh Go getcho grill fixed, baby uh-huh uh-huh
Go getcho grill fixed, grill fixed 
Yo teef is givin me grief
When you eat me out you make me wanna shout
Goddamn oh hell you smell b-a-d
Whatchoo need? Some Ivory! 
I’m talkin boutcho body it’s makin me sick 
You gimme a lick and it feels like a prick
Yo toof is workin my roof
It feels like a bitch its makin me itch 
Getcho grill fixed baby, uh-huh, uh-huh! 
Go getcho grill fixed, baby uh-huh uh-huh Go getcho grill fixed, baby uh-huh uh-huh
Go getcho grill fixed, grill fixed Cuz when people don’t shower, it make me wanna cower
Minute to minute, hour to hour
I seentchou in yo cab, you drivin it slow
You callin outcho window, “Get over here, ho!”
Don’t talk to me cuz I can’t take yo breaf!
It make me think of death cuz there aint no place Fo nassy muthafuckas that is such a disgrace…okay?
 Get yo grill fixed, bayyaybee
Go on and get yo grill fixed now
Go on and get yo grill fixed bayaybee
I don’t ker how, just do it now! I’m in the mood for a tuna melt. HIT ME! 
See you look like a rat and we can’t handle that
All us hos call you Splintra4 behind yo back
And everytime I see ya you look like a sack
Of muthafuckin shit is what I’m sayin 
Dungeons and Dragons5 ya need to quit playin
Fo yo sake, my sake, yo kids sake too
Getcha grill fixed or I’ll cutchoo! 
Getcho grill fixed baby, uh-huh, uh-huh! 
Go getcho grill fixed baby uh-huh, uh-huh! Go getcho grill fixed, baby uh-huh uh-huh
Go getcho grill fixed, grill fixed Make them shit’s into razor nubs and get em capped6, Steve!
9.
10.
Fuck Me 04:26
You can fuck me in my bedroom. You can fuck me in my bafroom.
 You can fuck me in my kitchen. You can fuck me from behind.
 You can fuck me in my mini-van. Toss my salad like a gay man.
 I don’t care how you fuck me, Just fuck me when you can.

 You can fuck me on my tippy toes. Jump my bones until the rooster crows.
 You can fuck me with a dildo, Anything to fill my hole.
 You can jump on and ride my ass. Fuck me hard baby fuck me fast.
 I don’t care how you fuck me, Just fuck me right damn now.

 There are issues and baggage between us
Always something to get over.
If I had my way surely you would Shut the fuck up and fuck me.
I need you to fuck me.

Dat’s right. Cuz you know sometimes… A lady needs to be made love to…that’s the troof… But otha times she needs to get fucked! And it’s up to you men to figure out when to do which one… SO FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT! PLEASE!

There are issues and baggage between us.
Always some kinda bullshit to get over.
If I had my way surely you would Shut the fuck up and fuck me.
I need you to fuck me.
You can fuck me deep inside.
Up the butt I ain’t got no pride.
You can nose dive into my poon, Butcha betta do it soon.
You can fuck me in Pakistan. Blow my coochie up like tha Taliban.
I don’t care how you fuck me… Just fuck me when you can.
I don’t care, I don’t care!
I need you to fuck me.
I need you right here, right now, inside of me yeah, yeah.
Fuck me? Fuck you!
Fuck me.
I don’t care how you fuck me just…just…fuck me when you can.
11.

about

The Gospel According to Ho reached cult status amongst a predominantly gay fanbase, which has allowed Ho to perform shows from Los Angeles to Egypt. Even with zero distribution, word of mouth spread and her video for the single “Bitch, I Stole Yo Purse!” was voted the number one funniest video on Logo’s New Now Next for that year. The video was also parodied on FX’s Nip/Tuck, starring Jennifer Coolidge as Wendy Ho and Wendy was featured on Showtime’s I Can’t Believe I’m Still Single singing her hit song, “Fuck Me.” Look up Wendy Ho on YouTube and you’ll see drag performers across the United States and Canada performing “The Gospel of Ho,” “Cocaine,” “Little Town” and “The AIDS Gamble.”

credits

released April 13, 2007

Produced by: Craig Levy at The Little Pioneer Studio in Brooklyn, NY

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Wendy Ho Los Angeles, California

Ho is an artist.  Ho is a state of mind.  Ho redefines women in music with true liberation.  She is funny and sexy.  A self- possessed, self-assured mashup of street and trash who makes you laugh while she makes you think.  The responses she evokes from audiences are as diverse as her roots, but at the core there is no question about who she is.  Wendy is all woman.  All Ho. ... more

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